From A Desister (part II)
“I was watching a documentary about cults, and I got the weird feeling that the way they described the cult sounded like the camp”
I never really thought that much about being a girl when I was in elementary school. I played with boys and girls, we did sports together, we were just kids having fun. Whether you were a boy or girl didn't matter. I was just me.
Then when I got into middle school, I hit puberty. I realized that the boys that were my friends looked at me differently. Even the ones who were attracted to me started treating me different, and it wasn't good. All of a sudden it felt like my opinion didn't matter. The things I said were stupid and unimportant. I saw the way society looked at me now, too. I felt judged and stared at everywhere I went. I was expected to be a certain way: agreeable, compliant, pretty, and accessible. I felt like my body had also betrayed me. I became really depressed and got really bad panic attacks. I hated being a girl, but there didn't seem to be anyway out of it.
One summer in high school, I went to a super-liberal arts camp. Half the girls there were either NB or trans. Everyone was super accepting of everyone else, and for a kid who'd been called "goth dyke" by other kids in school, I felt very at home for the first time. Every night we had a campfire circle where kids could talk about anything, and over the course of the summer, a bunch of girls came out as trans. There was a lot of crying, and everyone would hug her and congratulate her. She would get a lot of special attention and the counselors would tell everyone how proud they were of the girl and how being trans was a wonderful thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
Toward the end of the summer, I got up the courage at circle to tell everyone I was really a trans guy. Everyone was so happy for me! I was literally embraced by everyone there, from campers to counselors to administrators. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I had found what I had been looking for. If being female was the source of my problems, then NOT being female would be the cure. It all made sense. Suddenly a light went on.
I didn't change my pronouns right away. I just got a "boy" haircut and started dressing in my brother's clothes. Everything was super baggy so no one could see my shape. People started mistaking me for a boy, and I was thrilled. Everyone at my liberal high school fell all over themselves to congratulate me. A friend even threw a "coming out" birthday party for me. My parents tried to be supportive, but I knew it made them sad. I didn't care. Life as a boy was better.
Except it wasn't. It was true that people treated me differently. I felt seen and respected as a boy in a way that I wasn't (and still am not) as a girl. And also the anxiety and depression and panic attacks and OCD didn't go away.
One day after living as a boy for a couple of years during high school, I was watching a documentary about cults, and I got the weird feeling that the way they described the cult sounded like the camp. The documentary really bothered me, and I couldn't shake the feeling. Totally unrelated to that, I started therapy (I was doing some cutting), and I started to feel better about myself in general. I just became more comfortable in myself and more accepting of my body. I'm in college now and live fully as a woman.
I still think there are people who can really benefit from transitioning, but I think it is just done way too often. Young people, particularly young women, need adults to ask the right questions. If anyone had really bothered to ask me WHY I felt like a boy, they might have realized I really just needed support and compassion in dealing with puberty.
I'm really worried about kids who are coming up in school now. I feel like opting out of being a girl is now a cure all treatment for everything. Don't like your body? You're a guy! Don't like "girl stuff?" You're a guy! Don't "like" boys? You're a guy! There are all kinds of reasons a girl might not feel comfortable being a girl at that age. Sexual trauma, puberty issues, struggles with sexuality. Why is "you're a guy!" always the easy answer? Maybe it shouldn't be that easy.
Letters From the Front is a new series from WoLF curating stories from women about how “gender identity” ideology has impacted them. We’ll share new letters, submitted anonymously, each week. Write in to share your own story!
WoLF does not necessarily endorse the content of Letters.
Read more:
