From A Desister
Hi, I'm an 18-year-old woman from Canada and I didn't really know where else to put this.
I was 11 years old when I started to realize that I might be a lesbian and, at the same time, I was introduced to gender ideology. I identified as nonbinary and genderfluid for about a year before changing my whole life to start high school as a boy.
I started identifying as a boy in part because I had always been masculine and I thought that made me a boy and also, in part, because I had been sexually abused and assaulted by a male friend for most of my adolescence. I think I thought that becoming a boy would solve all my problems, I would be able to dress and act as I liked and that boy would no longer hurt me (I eventually learned that this wasn't the case).
I was the third of my friends to socially transition — first, two older girls (one of which has since desisted), followed by two girls my own age and a boy and a girl each younger than me. Out of the seven of us, four have received life-altering medical treatment, the boy is on puberty blockers and three of the girls have been put on puberty blockers, then testosterone, and finally have had double mastectomies.
I desisted when I was 15 after spending time at an all-girls summer camp where I wasn't the weirdo and there were no boys to be afraid of. I didn't talk about my desistance much until last year, I still had a foot in the door or genderland because I was a part of my school's GSA.
It wasn't until I started talking about this with my mum that I decided to dig a little deeper and my whole world cracked open. I knew that there was something wrong with the LGBTQ+ community before this but I couldn't put my finger on it. I did a deep dive and watched every video Magdalen Berns ever made over the span of 48 hours. I started reading Feminist Current, The Velvet Chronicle, and 4W and eventually made myself a Spinster account.
The deeper I went into the world behind gender ideology the more I couldn't take my eyes off it. I couldn't believe that I had been so clueless all this time. Once I met other GC people, the whole world felt like a fraud.
Only a few of my close friends and family know that I'm GC, I try not to talk about it because I know it could cost me a job in the future. My best friend still believes in TWAW and I worry all the time that she could start to hate me for my position on it. I feel alone in my personal life, even though I know that most people would agree with me.
I hate that I can't say what I think and I hate that nobody else sees anything wrong with that. I'm just angry all the time now and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. At least I know I'm not crazy, I've met many women on Spinster who show me that every day.
I look forward to a day in the future when girls like me don't have to be ashamed that they want short hair and love other girls instead of boys. I need the world to know that tinkering with our bodies is not okay and that men don't belong in the bathroom with young girls. I have hope for the future and I know that one day we'll get to a place where it's okay to be female, no matter what you like to do with your time.
Letters From the Front is a new series from WoLF curating stories from women about how “gender identity” ideology has impacted them. We’ll share new letters, submitted anonymously, each week.
WoLF does not necessarily endorse the content of Letters.
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