I Came to Them as a Victim, and They Treated Me Like a Villain...
CONTENT WARNING: THIS LETTER CONTAINS CONTENT RELATED TO RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
It took me 8 years to get the courage to sign up for a rape support group…
I received a lot of individual therapy right after my assault, but it was more centered around coping strategies for PTSD, rather than processing my rape trauma. I didn't know there was difference, really, so I convinced myself that I was "healed" because I mastered all the coping strategies that I learned through DBT therapy. But I knew deep down, the assault was still having great effects on my everyday psyche...
I didn't have the money or resources to go back to individual therapy, plus, I longed to hear from other victims because I had so many questions I would still ask myself about the assault. I wanted to hear from others if they asked themselves the same things that I did. The biggest one being, "How did I "let" this happen to me?"
My assailant was a man in a higher position than me at work, at a company my dad worked with for over 20 years. I trusted this man, he never gave me a reason not to. Of course I had that "female instinct" that he was attracted to me, but in my mind, I didn't do or say anything that would make him think I saw him in any type of way, other than my boss. Plus, he was much older and married with two young daughters. He was also heavily involved with his church and the local YMCA. There was no way a "good family man" like this would harm me...
But on the day of the assault, it took him almost no effort to coerce me to perform a sexual act. His persistence so easily overpowered my resistance. The assault lasted maybe 2 minutes, but everything that happened afterwards was a complete nightmare! Worse than the assault itself. As you hear in a lot of rape stories, it was too much of a "he said/she said" situation, so some people didn't believe me. And I'm still feeling the effects of it. This is why I was desperately wanting a community of other women to share my experience with, because the self blame of my sexual assault is the number one thing that is keeping me stuck in my trauma. How do I get out of this self blame? Self blame is a feeling every female can relate to. We are taught from a young age to be nice, smile, don't make anyone else feel bad, put others needs before our own, be caring, empathetic, forgiving. Being raised female, these little messages are told to us, either directly or indirectly, over and over until it forms us into women.
So I was excited when I heard from a local Rape Crisis Center after my online inquiry about a women's support group. The woman I spoke with asked me for my email so she could send me the info for the group sign up. I anxiously awaited for the information and my heart jumped as I saw it come into my inbox a week later. I was so ready for this! This is finally my opportunity to get unstuck from my trauma with the support and community of other women who can relate to everything I was feeling as a survivor. I thought, my life is finally about to take a change in the right direction with this safe and sacred group of women to cheer me along the way! But when I opened the email, I noticed the group was listed as, "a support group created for female-identifying survivors of sexual violence." It made me pause. Female-identifying? Meaning female and transgender women? Meaning potentially men???? It was such a visceral, innate, involuntary response. Panic! Not because I'm afraid of transgender women or have some weird transphobia that everyone talks about, but because I do not trust men to be who they say they are, which is in direct correlation with my sexual assault. My empathetic, compassionate, female side told me transgender victims need just as much support as females do, so I should just get over it. However, my paranoid, traumatized, fearful side doesn't trust the intentions of a man, regardless of gender identity. So how in the world was I going to trick my brain to tell the difference between a transgender woman and a male predator?
I told the Crisis Center my concern with this as a rape survivor. I asked if there could be separate groups so that every female-identifying person can still get support, but feel safe. This was not to have a "girls only rape club." It was to allow us to process our trauma in a genuine environment where it doesn't feel like there is a potential threat in the group. I reiterated over and over that having a male presence in the group was a major trigger, as it is with most female sexual assault survivors. That's why I offered the idea of separate groups, only to be told by the Crisis Center that I was being "discriminatory" and "badgering."
Here are some direct quotes of the Crisis Center's response to me:
The belief that trans women are not women does not align with our values. We strive to create a safe and supportive environment for everyone, regardless of gender identity, and we are committed to eradicating sexual violence in all its forms.
I believe that at this time a support group is not the space you need to process what you’ve experienced, individual therapy may be a better fit. It’s important to recognize that projecting personal experiences or beliefs onto others can be retraumatizing, harmful and violent in addition to being a survivor of sexual violence. There is a social stigma and generalization in your correspondence that can’t be placed on the entire group. [This] demonstrate[s] to me that you are not ready to be in our support group and could possibly perpetuate harm in other ways. I will not redefine our programming, go against our core values, and center your individual experience.
We aim to foster a space where all survivors of sexual violence feel supported and validated, their humanity is seen, and where their identities are respected. Given this commitment to ending violence, and social justice for all, we are unable to service individuals who wish to exclude any women from our support groups. Our mission is to ensure that our support groups are safe and inclusive for all individuals.
Their response absolutely crushed me! Not once did they offer empathy about me or my rape. Not once did they care about my revictimization. Not once did they offer alternative options other than to tell me to look into individual therapy somewhere else. I came to them as a victim, and they treated me like a villain...
My friends and family told me to just find another service with only females, but I explained to them that telling me to do that is like telling me I should submit to the needs of a man, which is EXACTLY how I got assaulted in the first place...submission.
Isn't it ironic how these two situations mirror each other so closely? Putting the wants and demands of a male, over my needs and protection as a female. This trans-inclusive gender ideology is one GIANT REPRESENTATION OF ASSAULTS on females as a whole. Except this time... his persistence will NOT overpower my resistance!
- Anonymous in Chapel Hill, NC
Letters From the Front is a series from WoLF curating stories from women about how “gender identity” ideology has impacted them.
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