“I had years of other kids asking if I was a boy, it was scary more than hurtful as I didn't know myself! And then as I got into my mid to late teens I started liking girls, yes like that! Oh boy, even more confusion ensued, even more questions!”

“I was born like this, why should I compromise myself?”

-        Anne Lister

Like many young girls I too went through the thought process as a young teen of "should I have actually been male?", luckily I did no more than think about it. But in my head I have always associated more with maleness, at least as it is seen by society's stereotyped gender roles that is. But also in how I viewed myself, from an internal perspective, it's hard to explain but for example when playing with friends I was always the male character, never once occurred to me to play a female character. I was the male plumber, bus driver, love interest etc.

From a VERY young age I was what is now termed gender non-conforming or a tomboy as we called it back then. I see it more as knowing what I liked and what I didn't like! And what I HATED were dresses! From just 3years old I always felt inside like I was being made to put on a costume, dressing up in an outfit I didn't want to be seen in! I felt SO uncomfortable in dresses and skirts. I didn't want to be 'prettified'. I never had a single moment's interest in playing with dolls, ponies, dressing up, combing doll's long hair or messing around with make up. I played with Action Man, helicopters and toy guns. But these are not 'girl's' and 'boy's' toys, they are simply toys!

I was a kid, it was hard to understand all the thoughts & feelings whirling around inside me, I knew I didn't fit in as everyone expected a girl to but I felt far more comfortable and in-tune with boys than girls, always have! I wanted to be strong, brave, to climb trees, do wheelies on my bike, build camps in trees, wear trousers and Bermuda shorts, play on swing ropes and thankfully my parents allowed me to just be, didn't question it, didn't direct me or my behaviour towards society's expectations of 'girl' things! And I will always be thankful for that!

I had years of other kids asking if I was a boy, it was scary more than hurtful as I didn't know myself! And then as I got into my mid to late teens I started liking girls, yes like that! Oh boy, even more confusion ensued, even more questions!

I lost count how many times I was asked if I was a lesbian? And the word was almost spat at me, 'LESBIAN' like lepper, as if it was the worst thing in the world one could be! Of course I always said no because who wants to be labeled a lesbian, the most hated form of female in the patriarchal world! Plus, I already ‘stood out’ from the crowd, I didn’t need yet another reason for people to talk about me.

I wasn't like other girls/women I saw and the ones I could relate to were hated, especially by men I hasten to add. Butch lesbian characters on TV were always bad people who behaved horribly or were already in prison!

Or they were unrelatable as they were femmes and that sure wasn't me. And so the internal confusion and questions just continued. And then puberty hit, I could no longer wear certain tops, had to wear bras, my god the shopping trips with mum for bras, I almost died of embarrassment, shop assistants presumed I was a boy, the brother of the bra wearer! I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Still to this day, despite a hefty chest, I walk into a shop to buy sanitary products with huge embarrassment as if they will say "Why are you buying this, you're not a girl!" And I still get very uncomfortable approaching a public toilet, as I walk towards the ladies I will unzip my jacket and pull each side back so my ample chest is obvious to all in the hope they see I’m a woman and don’t get upset and so I don’t have an embarrassing remark thrown at me like “This is the ladies!”, obviously this has never actually happened but try telling the voice inside my head that!

And then once I matured, grew up and had the mental ability to reason all of my feelings, emotions, desires, I knew what I was, I was a lesbian, a butch, gender non-conforming LESBIAN!

When I finally had the guts to come out (because I thought I was 'in love' with a woman) I told my whole family and best friend in one single day! My family were surprised but so supportive as I always knew they would be. And my best friend just said "Yeah, I know, now can we go to McDonald's!"

I had spent years hiding, hiding away from relationships, hiding away from even talking about relationships, enduring family & friends asking if I'd found myself a nice boyfriend yet! I hated it, I ran from a lot. For years I'd denied myself one of the most fundamental parts of a healthy, fulfilled life, having a relationship with another human! The constant hiding and keeping up the pretense, being careful how I worded things, what I said, avoiding whole subjects and conversations was exhausting and lonely, so fucking lonely!

I even went so far as to go on dates with males to try and put people off the scent that I might be a lesbian. I am proud to say that I never did anything that I later regretted with these males. The dates were for show of course but in a way I think I was also seeing if I could convince myself I was straight, I wasn’t!

Once I came out the sense of relief and freedom was truly liberating! I could totally be myself. No need to hide anymore, no need to be careful what I said or how I said it, no more avoiding certain topics. I had no idea just how energy consuming that had been for years!

I was a proud af butch lesbian! And I fully accepted myself, my dress sense, my 'navvy's' walk, my mannerisms, sitting with my legs apart, my short hair, my energy, I was free and happy, so fucking happy! I knew what I was and it was NOT male! I was a woman, a female, a butch female lesbian woman! And I was, am & always will be proud as fuck of that fact!

I had all those confusing thoughts when I was a KID but now I had grown up I had the mental capacity to process & understand it all! But most of all I ACCEPTED and LOVED who I was, who I am!

If I had been born now or with weaker/woker parents God knows what horrors I may have been through. My story may not help some who have already transitioned and I truly feel for those people who now regret that, those who went down a path I had the luck to avoid, but my telling it may help other girls or young women from making life changing, irreversible decisions based on their temporary inability to process & understand themselves. Hopefully they'll wait, get good counselling if needed and see they too are actually an amazing lesbian!

- Rad Fem Lesbian

Letters From the Front is a series from WoLF curating stories from women about how “gender identity” ideology has impacted them. We’ll share new letters, submitted anonymously, each week. Write in to share your own story!

WoLF does not necessarily endorse the content of Letters.

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