“We were spending money to include men in our events when our mission was to support women.”

In 2018, I realized how harmful gender ideology had become. I was a co-organizer of a “Women in STEM” club in my city. We held networking and educational events every week. Our events centered around topics of mathematics, science, computers, data science, etc. We had happy hours where women could meet other women in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math). Of course, the happy hours were the most fun, but also where I realized how important it was to foster a community where women were safe and supported.

We had women of all ages, ethnicities, and sexual orientations attend our events. Because we were all women, there was instant camaraderie and a sense of shared understanding. It was a place where women could express their career frustrations.

I heard from a woman who was a computer programmer who was sexually harassed by her co-workers, snapping her bra strap when she walked by. I heard from a woman who was pregnant and scared to tell her boss she would need to take maternity leave and worked up until the day before giving birth. I heard from a woman who was exhausted from pursuing her PhD to become more competitive in the workforce while simultaneously raising two children under five years old. I heard from a woman who had to pump her breast milk in a janitorial closet or the toilet stall because her workplace didn’t have a discreet place designed for that. I heard from many women who felt immense pressure to be perfect, being the only woman on a team of men.

It was a common theme that we were all not taken seriously or considered as intelligent as men even though we had the same credentials as them. And consequently, because of this negative perception, we were given few opportunities to advance our careers. Or else, learn to navigate a boy’s club fraught with double standards. Straight, bi, lesbian – it didn’t matter. As females, we all faced these double standards and challenges of trying to work in male-dominated fields. I was a co-organizer of this club for over two years. And hearing from the women there, I knew that this work was meaningful.

It all started to break down when we had a new co-organizer join, who I will call Margot. I had met Margot in other circles before and had seen her tout very woke ideologies. I wasn’t a fan but was willing to tolerate her because the other group members insisted that she was well-intentioned.

In one of our first co-organizer meetings, Margot expressed that we needed to change the locations of our meetings so that we could host larger groups of people. That was fine, but the location she insisted on had only one unisex bathroom with stalls. When she suggested this, I said that I think we should choose a location that has private bathrooms for women, knowing that some of our guests may be victims of sexual assault and need a bit more privacy. Margot immediately and aggressively shut me down, saying that ‘we shouldn’t make any assumptions about which bathroom someone would prefer to use’ and ‘unisex is most ideal.’ I was pretty confused by this. But because she was so aggressive and everyone else in the group was quietly staring, I let it go.

Fast forward three months, Margot has pushed her weight around and rebranded our group to “Womxm in STEM.” All of a sudden, I see a lot of gender-queer and trans-identified individuals appearing at our meetings. Lots of green hair, tattoos, and alternative dress. Like being a “folx” or a “womxm” was a fashion statement. Before, the meetings were always business casual dress code. Before, most attendees had careers in STEM and so would stop in after they got off of work. Now it was a lot of "STEM-curious" gender-queer students.

Eventually, all the regulars that were mothers or older women stopped attending. It was clear to me that we were no longer supporting their needs and interests. I felt the group was on a downhill slide, despite the fact that we just hosted a conference and our largest gathering yet. The quality and intimacy of our meetings had disappeared. When I looked into the crowd, every 3-4 seats was a man who was a “womxm ally.” When our speakers would enter the Q&A session of a talk, the first people to raise their hands were men. When I was setting up the refreshments and food tables, the first people at the table were men. And the people who would eat the most were men. Women would take 1 slice of pizza, men would take 2-3.

I was upset to see this happen to the group, and from a budgeting perspective, I was getting irritated that we were spending money to include men in these events when our mission was to support women. I reached out to one of the other co-organizers and expressed how I was feeling. She was my friend. I said that there were too many men in the club, and the whole meaning of “Women in STEM” had become meaningless.

My co-organizer looked at me in horror, like I had said a terrible thing. She said, “Who are you to say who is a ‘real woman’ and reduce a woman to just a vagina, and discriminate against who can enter our club?” This turned into a huge argument, where she called me a TERF and ended our friendship.

First, I didn’t even know what a TERF was. And second, I couldn’t believe how this ideology of magical thinking had infected the minds of some of the sharpest, most scientifically-leaning women I knew. A week later, my ex-friend must have relayed this to Margot, because Margot publicly called me out as a ‘transphobe’ in a channel of almost 1,000 people. I left the club.

After a couple of weeks of thinking, reading, learning, and sitting with what happened to me, I joined WoLF.

Today, Margot is the sole organizer of the club, and it is no longer active.

Submitted By Brooklyn

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